Matsuda's Dirty Mind
by Eru no Tsubasa
Summary: Matsuda keeps jumping to dirty conclusions when he overhears conversations between L and Light, when, in fact, they are talking about very innocent things. He has a very overactive dirty mind... Lots of humor! LLight! Read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I love fanfics that exercise your dirty mind with scenarios that sound so wrong... but actually are not. That's why I'm writing them! I challenge you to guess what is really happening!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note... I just gave the characters dirty minds. :)**

**Scene One**

Matsuda was walking past Light and L's room when he heard Light let out a growl inside the room. He couldn't help but stop and listen at the door to figure out what is going on. Curiosity killed the cat, Matsuda warned himself a bit nervously. But then, satisfaction brought it back, he added to reassure himself. He has always wondered what the two geniuses did during their spare time, and now he was about to find out.

"Urgh. It won't go in! I just can't insert it in!" moaned Light.

"It's because it's not slippery enough." L told him.

"Shut up. You just don't know how to appreciate these things. I'd like to see _you_ do any better." Light retorted irritatedly.

"I think I can, Light-kun. Want to let me try?"

No answer came; for a while, the only thing that could be heard was some rustling. Then, loud groans and moans in unmistakably Light's voice drifted to Matsuda's ears.

After a pause, L said smugly,"I believe it's my turn now."

Matsuda was growing paler and paler outside the door, as he absorbed what the two were saying. Was it possible… no, it can't be…

Some more rustling and creaking of the bed was heard from the room. Suddenly Light slammed a fist onto the bed, making it creak loudly, and shouted "Faster!"

"Relax, Light." L replied soothingly. "Don't get so worked up."

"How can I _not_ get worked up, with you going so slow?" Light exclaimed. "Damn you!"

"Don't be so impatient." L chided with a laugh.

Matsuda's face was now drained of colour and his mouth hung open in shock. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, but what other conclusions could there be? When he finally regained his senses he tiptoed away from the door, trying to make as little noise as possible. At least, he thought to himself, he knew what Light and L did in their spare time now.

**What _really_ happened...**

"Urgh. It won't go in! I just can't insert it in!" moaned Light, as he tried and failed to shuffle the cards. The two separated decks just refused to be inserted within each other smoothly, as he'd seen many expert card players do when they shuffled the cards.

"It's because it's not slippery enough." L told him. He observed with interest Light's unsuccessful attempts at shuffling the old, beaten down cards. They've been used so many times their smooth, laminated surface had been worn down to a rough surface, thus making so much more difficult to shuffle.

"Shut up. You just don't know how to appreciate these things." Light retorted irritatedly, a bit pissed that he was trying to do L a favor by shuffling the cards and instead got lectured by the condescending genius. "I'd like to see _you_ do any better."

"I think I can, Light-kun. Want to let me try?" L asked. Light ignored him. Giving up on his task, he dealt out the cards and they began to play. Light grew more and more frustrated as it became clear he was losing very badly to L, who was playing with strategy. Every time he lost a card to L, he couldn't help but groan because he hated to lose.

"I believe it's my turn now." L said smugly, after he played a card that skipped Light's turn, giving himself an extra turn. He then began to consider his choices carefully, plotting the possible scenarios in his mind.

Light fidgeted impatiently as he waited for L to play, making the blankets rustle and the bed creak. After a long pause, Light lost all his patience and he suddenly slammed a fist onto the bed, making it creak loudly. "Faster!" he shouted, completely fed up with L's slow pace and careful plotting at playing cards.

"Relax, Light." L replied soothingly. "Don't get so worked up."

"How can I _not_ get worked up, with you going so slow?" Light exclaimed. "Damn you!"

"Don't be so impatient." L chided with a laugh.

And the two friends bantered playfully as they kept on playing their game of cards, completely unaware of the effect of their words on the eavesdropping Matsuda outside their door.

**Eru-chan: Did any of you guess what really happened before you read the ending? This scene was actually inspired by a scene in my math class (don't think wrong!) when we were playing cards and one of my friended said: "It won't go in!" as she tried to shuffle the cards... And I was just like, "That's what she said." :) I couldn't resist! **

**Light: Eru-chan has a dirty mind...**

**L: That is correct... o.O**

**Eru-chan: Hee hee hee XD Next scene involves lotsa dirty-sounding things! I'm not finished with poor Matsuda yet!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hi! I'm back with more dirty stuff! Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: Hee hee hee... i don't own the characters, just their dirty minds.**

**Scene Two**

Despite (or perhaps because of) the very disturbing conversation between L and Light he'd overheard yesterday, Matsuda couldn't help making excuses to pace in front of their room. He didn't know why he was trying to eavesdrop again, but then Matsuda has never really understood how his brain functioned. Perhaps it was all a big misunderstanding, he found himself thinking. Maybe they weren't talking about anything wrong. That must be why he's here: to try to find out the truth of the matter.

Pressing his ear to the door, he could distinctly hear Light's voice from inside the room:

"WOW! Why's yours so big? It's not fair, mine's way tinier!"

"Bigger is better because it's juicier and the juices are sweeter, too." L replied smugly. Loud sucking sounds accompanied by exclamations of pleasure drifted out of the room into Matsuda's wincing ears.

"Shut up or I'll stuff my banana down your throat." Light said, a scowl evident in his voice.

"I think I'd like that." L teased happily.

Matsuda stood entranced by the doorway. His assumption had been proven correct, judging by what he was hearing.

"It's too bad you have no peaches or watermelons, Light-kun." L said mournfully. "Peaches are fun to squeeze and play with since they're so juicy. Watermelons are juicy too."

"Well, too bad, cuz I'm not going to go get some just for your pleasure." Light snapped.

"Maybe Misa will oblige, then…?" L wondered questioningly. "MISA!" he called.

Matsuda sneaked away from the door, his mind filled with new images to contemplate late at night. Who would have thought? Matsuda reflected. Light and L, of all people… they really know how to have fun.

**What _really_ happened…**

L rummaged through the bowl of fruit Light had prepared for him. Carefully, he picked out the biggest, ripest, and reddest strawberry in the bowl.

"WOW! Why's yours so big? It's not fair, mine's way tinier!" Light shouted indignantly, looking at his own pitiful strawberry and comparing it to L's.

"Bigger is better because it's juicier and the juices are sweeter, too." L replied smugly. To prove his point, he began sucking on the strawberry loudly and making noises of pleasure to make Light jealous.

"Shut up or I'll stuff my banana down your throat." Light said, a scowl evident in his voice. He plucked a banana from the fruit bowl and waved it around threateningly.

"I think I'd like that." L teased happily, eyeing the aforementioned banana and deciding that it looked delicious.

Matsuda stood entranced by the doorway. His assumption had been proven correct, judging by what he was hearing.

"It's too bad you have no peaches or watermelons, Light-kun." L said mournfully. The fruit bowl was filled with strawberries, bananas, apples, cherries, and oranges, but peaches and watermelons were no where in sight. "Peaches are fun to squeeze and play with since they're so juicy. Watermelons are juicy too." Somehow, Light wasn't surprised to learn that L played around with his food.

"Well, too bad, cuz I'm not going to go get some just for your pleasure." Light snapped. He was tired from walking around the market and finding fruits for L.

"Maybe Misa will oblige, then…?" L wondered questioningly. He knew that she was devoted to Light and would willingly do anything Light asked. "MISA!" he called.

For the rest of the day, L and Light enjoyed their fruits and the fruit bowl was empty soon enough. And once again, they had managed to fuel Matsuda's dirty mind without meaning too.

**L: Am I really that immature...? ^^;**

**Light: ...**

**Matsuda: MUAHAHAHA! I'm going to go have fun too! **

**Eru-chan: See what monsters I've unleashed on the world? *shakes head and sighs***

**L: Anyways, review! Your dirty ideas are welcome!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: More dirty conversations! AHAHAHA!**

**L: *whispers* I think she's gone crazy.**

**Eru-chan: L! *Tries to hug him***

**L: You don't own me, you know.**

**Eru-chan: *cries***

**L: Anyways, enjoy!**

**Scene Three**

Once again, Matsuda found himself at the door of Light and L. He still didn't know why he came for a third time to listen to dirty conversations. Perhaps, he told himself, he has decided to eavesdrop again because he wants more proof that they are really doing what he thinks they are doing. Third time's the charm! But deep down, he knew the real reason: that he was addicted to porn – especially L and Light porn!

This time, he was rewarded with the sound of heavy gasping and loud breathing inside the room.

"Don't… no… stop…" gasped Light, out-of-breath and unable to form a coherent sentence.

"Why, Light-kun?" asked L in an innocent voice.

There was a sharp intake of breath of surprise, then Light exclaimed disbelievingly. "You are… sucking my lollipop…"

"Yep, that's right." L replied happily, making loud sucking sounds and moans of pleasure.

"Who gave you permission to do that?" Light asked angrily.

"It's not my fault, I couldn't help it!" Now, L sounded like a guilty child accused of doing something wrong. "You are the one who dangled your big lollipop in front of me, teasing me!"

Light started to voice a retort, but he interrupted himself when he saw what L was doing. "WOW! You can fit the entire gigantic thing in your mouth!"

Matsuda sighed happily. This is pure popcorn heaven, and his dirty mind is satisfied.

"Listen, Light," L whispered conspiratorially. "I can teach you techniques to suck lollipops."

Matsuda subconsciously leaned closer to the door in anticipation.

"One, put the whole thing in your mouth and suck. The juices are delicious… Two, nibble the tip a bit. This tastes funny… Three, lick the sides of the lollipop all over… You can exercise the flexibility of your tongue and do tricks with it."

Light sputtered indignantly.

Matsuda smirked. He's certainly learned new things today… and he realized that live porn involving L and Light was much, much more exciting than porn sites…

**What _really_ happened...**

Light gasped for breath with difficulty. He honestly didn't know where L got all his energy, since he'd been chasing the black-haired genius for a long time but he showed no signs of fatigue. The aforementioned genius, who was also a sweet fiend, had stolen his lollipop and he wanted it back.

"Don't… no… stop…" gasped Light, out-of-breath and unable to form a coherent sentence. He gazed at the big swirly lollipop in L's hand with longing, but L was already starting to unwrap the sweet.

"Why, Light-kun?" asked L in an innocent voice, not stopping his unwrapping. Before Light could stop him, he put the lollipop in his mouth and started sucking happily.

Light took a sharp intake of breath of surprise, then he exclaimed disbelievingly. "You are… sucking my lollipop…"

"Yep, that's right." L replied gleefully, deliberately sucking loudly and making sounds of pleasure to tease Light.

Light's mouth started to water involuntarily. He really wanted that lollipop… "Who gave you permission to do that?" Light asked angrily.

"It's not my fault, I couldn't help it!" Now, L sounded like a guilty child accused of doing something wrong. "_You_ are the one who dangled your big lollipop in front of me, teasing me!" Light winced. He couldn't deny it. He _had_ done that, because he had wanted to taunt L. He hadn't expected L to snatch it out of his hands and run off with it.

Light started to voice a retort, but he interrupted himself when he saw what L was doing. "WOW! You can fit the entire gigantic thing in your mouth!" The lollipop he'd bought was enormous; it was bigger than his fist. Yet somehow L had managed to put the whole thing into his mouth, making Light so surprised his eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"Listen, Light," L whispered conspiratorially. "I can teach you techniques to suck lollipops. One, put the whole thing in your mouth and suck. The juices are delicious… Two, nibble the tip a bit. This tastes funny… Three, lick the sides of the lollipop all over… You can exercise the flexibility of your tongue and do tricks with it."

Light sputtered indignantly.

And for a third time, their innocent conversation was twisted by Matsuda into something _so_ very wrong.

**Eru-chan: Hee hee hee... I hope you enjoyed that! By the way, I'm curious: how old do you readers think I am? Tell me in your reviews!**

**L: Be sure to keep on a lookout for the next chapter!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: Heya! I hope you haven't forgotten me! ***Guilty face*** Forgive me! ***Bows humbly and hold out the fourth chappy, which is extra long to make up for the wait.*

**Light: About time you updated! It's been more than two months!**

**Eru-chan: I know! I know! ^^; Anyways, thank you to all my lovely reviewers! I'm writing for you guys! XD**

**Shinigami117, BeyondBirthday296, Ratt9, Preminiscence, demonlifehealer, Kitori-xxx, teB360, Eva N loves you, Kawaiikitty400, xDelfin, cwilder, Maei13, ThJo, shego1142, Lonelygoatherd, Sashocirrione, Always-Aftermath, TheLegacyLives, ceres51892, HannahFaps, Funny L, ShikariDenver, Dustal Gray, Lupa Dracolis, , Rachy-Neko-Chan**

**Thank you so much! XD And a special thanks to Ryukisu, who prompted me (several times) to hurry up and write. Well, it's finally here! ^^**

**L: Enjoy and review! XD**

**Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Death Note.*goes off into emo corner to cry***

* * *

**Scene Four**

Today, I'm going to get to the bottom of this matter, Matsuda resolved firmly as he stepped to Light and L's room door. I'm going to ask them – politely and outright – whether they were… participating in any inappropriate activities recently. However, just as he prepared to knock on the door, he happened to overhear Light and L's conversation.

"Are you ready, Light-kun?" L asked impatiently.

"Just a minute; I need to grab some stuff we need if we are going to do this. " Light called back. "We can't do this without any preparation, you know."

Matsuda froze, his hand an inch away from the door. I should knock right now; and then I'll have an answer to my suspicions, he tried to reason with himself. But he was just too curious. Could they be about to do what he thought they were going to do?

"I'll be waiting in the bathroom, then. There's so much we can do there." L told him.

"Alright, I'm ready now." Light replied, and Matsuda could hear him walk into the washroom. He forgot immediately what he came here to do in the first place, and he pressed his ears to the door eagerly. (Sigh. The poor idiot never learns, ne?)

"Now, how should we do this?" L mused.

"Are you sure we shouldn't just use the table?" Light asked, worried. "It'd be easier that way."

"No." L stated firmly. "I am quite fond of that table and would rather not break it, damage it, or make it dirty."

"You have a point." Light admitted grudgingly.

"I just have to get on top of you to do this then." L sounded smug.

"Why do I have to be on the bottom? Why can't I go on top?" Light whined. "Being on the bottom hurts. A lot. Last time we did this, I was sore for days afterwards."

"Well, suck it up. Here, hand me that." L ordered unsympathetically. "Get ready and bend over, like a good boy." Light grumbled to himself grumpily.

Oh! I know what they are talking about! Matsuda thought eagerly. L must be telling Light to pass him the lubricant! Poor, deluded Matsuda actually felt a sense of accomplishment at knowing this fact. Which wasn't surprising, since he was _Matsuda_ after all.

Some rustling could be heard from the room, accompanied by a few grunts and cries of pain. "Ow! L, be careful and don't just jump on me like that!" Light protested. L ignored him.

After a few more cries and moans, L shouted to Light, frustrated: "Where is it? I can't find the spot!"

"Just – a little more – " Light panted. "Quickly, I can't hold on much longer – There! Yes, that's the spot!"

Matsuda shivered in delight and envy of Light-kun. He'd tried to broach the subject with Aizawa so they could try this out too, but for some unfathomable reason, Aizawa had sprinted away as soon as he mentioned yaoi and how it must feel very nice. Matsuda shook his head and shrugged to himself. Oh well. Some people were strange like that, and he could never understand what goes on in their minds…

"Nnngh! Faster!" Light groaned.

And then heavy breathing and panting replaced the groaning.

"That was – quite an experience – " Light gasped, out of breath.

"I did a good job? Didn't I?" L asked smugly.

"Well, it did take you a long time to find that spot – "

"Hey, I'm not very experienced with these type of things – " L interrupted indignantly.

" – which was why I should've been on top. I've had lots of practice." Light told L.

Matsuda steeled his resolve. He _had _to find out whether he was imagining things and Light and L were innocent after all. That _would_ be pretty disappointing, he supposed, but he just _had_ to find out the truth.

He cleared his throat loudly. "Uh-hm." L and Light stopped talking, and L called out: "Is anything the matter?"

"Um – no! Everything's fine! I – uh – just wanted to know what you are – um, I mean, if you were doing anything – uh – " Matsuda babbled incoherently.

"What is it?" Light cut in impatiently.

"What were you guys doing, just now?" Matsuda blurted hurriedly.

"Oh, we had a little problem, and we fixed it. We were just screwing – " L began to explain. Matsuda didn't need to hear anymore. He got the confirmation he wanted. L even said as much, outright! He ran off faster than one could say 'Light and L yaoi'.

(Sigh. Matsuda, get your head out of the gutter, will you? Light and L _are_ innocent. It's YOU who aren't. XD)

**What Really Happened**

Once again, the light bulb in L and Light's bathroom was broken. And of course, like the geniuses they are, they were going to fix it themselves.

"Are you ready, Light-kun?" L asked impatiently, eager to begin fixing.

"Just a minute; I need to grab some stuff we need if we are going to do this. " Light called back, hands full of tools. "We can't do this without any preparation, you know."

"I'll be waiting in the bathroom, then. There's so much we can do there." L told him. Their washroom was a complete mess, and indeed, there was so much more they could do for it other than just changing a light bulb.

"Alright, I'm ready now." Light replied, satisfied that he'd brought every tool they could possibly need, and walked into the washroom.

"Now, how should we do this?" L mused, staring at the bulb in question, way higher than they could reach.

"Are you sure we shouldn't just use the table?" Light asked, worried. "It'd be easier that way."

"No." L stated firmly. "I am quite fond of that table and would rather not break it, damage it, or make it dirty."

"You have a point." Light admitted grudgingly. He wasn't sure how that table would take to an adult standing on it in order to reach a light bulb. Probably not very well.

"I just have to get on top of you to do this then." L sounded smug. Light was not so happy. Hoisting a grown man on your shoulder wasn't the most comfortable thing.

"Why do I have to be on the bottom? Why can't I go on top?" Light whined. "Being on the bottom hurts. A lot. Last time we did this, I was sore for days afterwards." He even got bruises from the last time they had to change a light bulb!

"Well, suck it up. Here, hand me that." L ordered unsympathetically. "Get ready and bend over, like a good boy." Light grumbled to himself grumpily and handed L the new light bulb they had to replace the faulty one with.

Some rustling could be heard as L climbed onto Light's shoulder laboriously, accompanied by a few grunts and cries of pain. "Ow! L, be careful and don't just jump on me like that!" Light protested. L ignored him.

After a few more cries and moans, L shouted to Light, frustrated: "Where is it? I can't find the spot!" Light had told him there was a spot he had to find in order to take the cover of the light off.

"Just – a little more – " Light panted. This was tiring! "Quickly, I can't hold on much longer – There! Yes, that's the spot!" Light yelled up, seeing L putting his finger on the screw. L quickly got to work.

"Nnngh! Faster!" Light groaned, wishing that L would hurry up. His back was creaking from L's weight.

And then L jumped off, finished changing the light bulb finally. Heavy breathing and panting replaced the groaning.

"That was – quite an experience – " Light gasped, out of breath.

"I did a good job? Didn't I?" L asked smugly.

"Well, it did take you a long time to find that spot – "

"Hey, I'm not very experienced with these type of things – " L interrupted indignantly. Why would he have much experience changing light bulbs, anyways?

" – which was why I should've been on top. I've had lots of practice." Light told L. He'd always had to change the light bulb at home, since his mom and sister wouldn't do it and his father was always too busy.

. "Uh-hm." They suddenly heard Matsuda clearing his throat loudly outside their door. L and Light stopped talking, and L called out: "Is anything the matter?"

"Um – no! Everything's fine! I – uh – just wanted to know what you are – um, I mean, if you were doing anything – uh – " Matsuda babbled incoherently.

"What is it?" Light cut in impatiently.

"What were you guys doing, just now?" Matsuda blurted hurriedly.

"Oh, we had a little problem, and we fixed it. We were just screwing –" L began to explain. But before he could finish the rest of the sentence, that they were just screwing a light bulb on, they heard Matsuda run off at the speed of light. L and Light shrugged, confused. Matsuda. They never tried to understand what was going on in his crazy – and dirty – mind.

Yes, very, _very_ dirty mind indeed.

**The End**

* * *

**Eru-chan: As always, suggestions from fellow perverts are welcome! MUAHAHAHA! Just the other day, I saw a SUPER SUPER LONG BANANA and the first thing that came to my mind was 'WHOA!' And then my mind descended straight into the gutter. That's how twisted I am now! XD**

**And by the way, most people seemed to think I'm between the ages of 14 to 17. Yes, I am indeed 14. MUAHAHAHAHA!**


End file.
